a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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