Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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