I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
