apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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