my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Randomize
