I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
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