I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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