Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
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