There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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