We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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