I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
