I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.