i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Randomize
