My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
