last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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