how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
