Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
There r osticjed everywhere
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
