she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
