Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
