just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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