I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
