it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
