Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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