I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
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He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
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I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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