Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
