Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We were destined to go to rehab together
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
