Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
