fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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