no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
