I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
