Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just said "you do you" to my penis.