Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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