I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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