Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
