She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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