At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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