Already got asked if we're dating
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize