Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Two words: nipple clamps
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