i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
