Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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