i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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