I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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