Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
