shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
