My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Randomize
