Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
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She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
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I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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