i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
