i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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