i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
