I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
