I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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