I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
