he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i was born a porn star she said
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
